warning: if you are one of the those people who are crazy about grammar and spelling, etc. and cringe when you read things that aren’t perfect, this is not the blog for you.

I’m back. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and writing is a good way for me to process. Being an introvert it is not always easy for me to externally process, so this is a good outlet for me. Plus, I got a really awesome computer for Christmas and it makes it that much more fun. Back to the blogging. My ultimate goal would be to write every day, but knowing myself, that probably isn’t going to happen, so I am going to shoot for once a week. SInce I didn’t have anything prepared for today, I have this post that I wrote a while back. It is me processing a book I was reading at the time. It is long and probably has more run-on sentences then allowed (ever), but I don’t want to edit it because I have to be at work in the morning. The book is absolutely excellent, so I recommend you read it, even if you can’t relate to what the author went through. 

Here is, once again, the emptying of my brain. It does relate to the new year, as it mentions having vision and not being lazy or what not. Post about vision for the new year to come. 

Wow two posts in two days. Must have a lot to process. So this is a continuation of part one that I was too tired to include last night/morning. It will again be my random thoughts, so buckle up.

So in the last post I shared a lot about Africa & how my heart was changed. So much. Before that trip my schedule consisted of Equip class at the church for four hours every morning then having maybe a couple hours of free time or my only time, then heading to work for an 8 hour shift. People thought I was nuts, but God said to do it, so I did. There’s something crazy about when He calls you to do something that on paper looks crazy. See I like my me time, I NEED time alone, textbook introvert. But God’s grace is bigger then any schedule, He totally provided grace to make that schedule happen. Was I always the most joy filled wonderful person to be around, unfortunately not, but that’s a whole other lesson. Fast forward to the last two months of being back from the trip sans Equip class. I work the 3-11:30 pm shift at work. So I have mornings, early afternoons free. I also like to sleep. So it is really easy if I don’t have to leave the house to lay around, cook, sleep until I go to work. Sad, so sad. I tried to get up early you know be cool, go to Starbucks in the morning, spend time with Jesus. Sleep has won more times then I would like to admit. One could say I was being a bit LAZY.

Then there was this book. The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness. It’s really good if you’re wondering. Kris & Jason Vallotton wrote it together. It was more like I would read a few pages a month. Then I got irritated with my co-worker at work and instead of our nightly chats and Criminal Minds marathons after the children went to sleep, I decided to read my book. One chapter in particular, called ‘The Fruit of the Hard Times’ was everything I needed to hear. I am going to quote it. A lot. Because they are nuggets of truth that I really needed to here, and since I am emptying my brain that’s what you’re going to get.

“So often the beautiful things in life are hidden just beyond our breaking point… There is a blessing when we press through the hard times, because the road to wholeness leads down the path of perseverance. It’s crucial to have the right mindset in trying times so that we can emerge victorious on the other side of trails”. Very similar message to James 1:2-4.

James 1:2-4 (NIV) - Trials and Temptations

warning: this is an emptying of all my thoughts recently. proceed with caution. i can’t promise it will make you laugh, but maybe.

I don’t blog much. At all. I always intend too. My best ideas come in the hour commute I have for work (almost) every day. Driving thirty minutes to work is not ideal, but alas God is so kind and nice and often my drives are some of the sweetest, intimate times with Him. I heard once that revelation rides on worship, I think it was during an iBethel something. I totally believe that. I have awesome revelations from Jesus that are huge for me, but to someone else would probably seem simple. But simple is good. We need simple. We need the simple truths of Jesus. We need His promises. PROMISES. Lets talk about that word for a moment. If you look up the definition it says a GUARANTEE that a particular thing will happen & an ASSURANCE that one will DEFINITELY do, give, or arrange something;undertake or declare that something will happen. I have needed to be reminded of that recently. Several of the small, simple truths and promises of Jesus. The promises He has made to me. The things that WILL happen because He has promised them to me. This last Sunday we were singing a song and the part that resonated with me the most was a line that said, “Come like you promised”. Starting to see a theme? Yeah I think God was just making sure I was paying attention. He does know me pretty well so yeah know He knows I need some reminders. Anyway - so He has been talking to me a lot about promises. I have had a lot spoken over my life, things that I never would have dreamed I would get to do in my life or that I would want to do.

See I had always been pretty OK with staying in Oklahoma for probably ever. Traveling to cool places for vaca, sure why not. Moving somewhere and falling in love with a whole other people? Not a chance. But then it happened. Jesus happened. Jesus started invading my heart. The things that I wanted were suddenly changed. My heart was wrecked for places I didn’t know existed. Then I started traveling with Jesus. First India, which was my first time overseas and a, well, lets say learning experience. I would still go back though. For sure. Then the Dominican Republic, which was so wonderful & so much more “my thing” then what we did in India. Not to mention God moved in a crazy way and the people were amazing.

Then I went to Africa. & then it was all over. My heart was so happy. SO happy. It is the most beautiful place in the world. With the most beautiful, wonderful people. Oh the people. I wish I was sitting with them now on steps of UCT drinking a Chai Tea Latte staring out over Cape Town and planning our weekend. Oh the penguins on Boulder Beach… surfing in Muizenberg… jump rope in Masi… I would go in a heartbeat. God spoke to me a lot about the trip before I left. He was preparing my heart, I grew very expectant and could feel in my spirit that something about that trip would be different. God spoke the word “transformational” to me before I left. I left it to yeah, I’m going to Africa for the first time, duh how could it not?” Not like oh good God you’re going to transform me. I don’t really know how to formulate into words how I was changed by that trip. Something about the place and the people made me so excited about life. (I know what you’re thinking - she was only there for three weeks, she is crazy) Humor me, I’m sharing my heart. God loves these people so much. He has huge PROMISES for them & their lives. It was so humbling for me. Because it really has nothing to do with me. All I do is show up, say yes & be the vessel. God gets to do the rest while I watch in awe of the things I get to witness. One of the girls I got to meet with while I was there left such an impression on me. She was already a believer, but she wasn’t as we like to call “walking” in relationship with Jesus. She had recently gone through some things in her life and been obedient to what God had told her. Then she meets me and a friend after we go up to her on campus and strike up a conversation.Talk about divine appointment. Through our meetings we got to encourage her in her faith and her relationship with the Father. While that was wonderful to see someone realize how jealous God is for them, it was more what she said to us that made the impact. She couldn’t believe that we had come all that way from “perfect” America (some people have a very interesting distorted view of USA) to tell people about Jesus and that we would spend our time meeting and encouraging her in her faith. I was blown away, I was like no you can’t possibly be talking about me, I mean sure I’m here on a mission trip, but I chose this, it’s not a big deal. But that choice had made a difference to her because God needed someone to encourage her to be the “hands and feet of Jesus” and to eat calamari wraps with her and tell her how much God was after her heart. I mean how incredibly lucky was I to get to be that person? This girl changed my outlook. Jesus changes lives. He changes lives when we say YES to the promises He has for us. He has promises for everyone. Getting to meet her will stick with me. So will several other people I met.

Picture Break

Children. They have a special place in my heart. Maybe because I love acting like a kid too. And they like to color. And do crafts. They’re cool. Well Masi had some pretty cool kids. That liked to be held and play game with rocks and jump rope and play soccer and do flips. I was lucky enough to spend some time with some the couple says we were there. God moved. I saw light dispel darkness first hand. I saw the father heart of God touch hearts. I got to be the vessel, the messenger. All Nations has a ministry in the township and has some wonderful groups for kids. These kids are powerful, prayer warriors and carriers of the spirit. One saw that I had a toenail that was growing back and they all immediately starting praying for my toe and feet. I mean C’MON, I love it so much. Then there are girls who come up to you cause they find you interesting because you look different. One in particular opened up to me. She had been through a lot and I got to pray with her. Her name was really hard to pronounce and I felt bad cause I couldn’t say it right. But something in her connected with my heart. She found me the second time we came and I almost didn’t recognize her, I felt bad. But I got to pray for her family. And I got to speak life over her. I really didn’t want to leave her that day. I wanted to keep telling her how much God loved her and the plans He had to her life until she believed me. It broke my heart. And it still does.

God did a work. It’s so most definitely not about me. At all. I read my journal entries from while I was there and before I left and I weep. I want to be that hungry.

they walked right in front of the car. yep.

I really didn’t want to  go home. At ALL. I got to the airport, my bag was overweight. Okay I bawled packing & now this? It was just to much. I shutdown. I hated every part of leaving. Not even the thought of Diet Dr. Pepper and my dogs could get me excited. But alas you know I had to go I guess so I got on the plane and since Jesus loves me He let me have a row of seats to myself to mourn me leaving Africa. And played Mr. Popper’s Penguins.

the campus

I didn’t process this trip for a while. I got some processing questions and didn’t touch them for a month. I went back to work. I moved. I slept. I was lazy. And I told everyone I could that I didn’t want to be back. I wasn’t happy to be home. And I really haven’t been since. But it’s getting easier. Never did I think my trip would be like that. Ever. But I love it so much. God is so kind. So He began to speak to me things I didn’t even know I needed to hear. Like “I’m the same God in Africa as I am here” and silly simple truths. God has great things for me in Oklahoma. His promises didn’t run void just because I came back. The same things that happen there can happen here. It’s finding joy in His timing and whatever circumstances you’re in at the time. And sure I would absolutely 100% love to go back sooner rather then later. But I am here. I am not there. And there JOY in that. JOY JOY JOY, is something that God has to fill me with every day. God is good and that is where I promise to land no matter where I am.

I’m done for now, part two to come in the future. If you made it this far congratulations. You get a gold star. And a picture of a penguin.

*disclaimer: It’s long. There are probably many grammar and spelling mistakes, random musings and run on sentences. I warned you, I didn’t edit this and I like the free form.

So I’ve been awake since 7 because my poodle is acting as needy as a one week old infant. But its okay because she is cute and cuddly and makes me feel wanted to I deal. [ yes I just admitted I like to feel wanted - um who doesn’t? } But I digress. I had every intention of getting up in the morning and going to do pilates and cardio, but alas, my laziness/distractions won out. { I love how my computer wants to correct pilates to pirates. It also wants to make my name Shiny Filter } Again with the digressing. BUT, yes LIFE sometimes its hard. Sometimes its life that gives us situations that look hard and maybe they are hard. BUT is it really supposed to be hard, or is it the lack of trust in God that makes it hard? This is what I have been thinking about this morning. When we meet him in that special place, He meets us and work in us and heals us. It’s so refreshing and touching. Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything. He already knows whats going on, DUH. And Sometimes, like my life as of late, I didn’t even know where to start. Because life lately hasn’t been so fun. Stuff has happened I didn’t ever think I would deal with in my life. I’ve been dealing with a lot. I’ve had to make a lot of tough decisions. I didn’t like having to make those decisions. It was tough and hard and I over think everything. But mostly because I don’t go to Him with these decisions and pray and fast and ask. And it is that easy, you just have to ASK. He will find a way to give you an answer. But you know what? I got a lesson on how to let your community of people who love you embrace you and help you. And they helped me get to the point of coming out of the miry pit of self-pity and its too hard and I don’t want to try and to just do it. And I did. On the way to work and simply just turned on my iPod and actually let worship music play, instead of avoiding it [ yes I did just admit that - hey its where I was at the time ]. And of course the right music came on that completely in a way I didn’t even know I needed to hear met me so beautifully. It was like God wanted to let me know that for the first time I understood being called by name. All the things that are generalized in the Bible that is wants for everyone, I finally felt Him call them out to me individually. Stamped with my name. It was powerful. The thing is He already knew all of this. NOTHING is a surprise to Him. He loves us, He love me and He knew what He knew when He gave me everything He gave me. Most days I don’t feel like I deserve it. But it was in that moment that I was remembered that I must choose to be happy, that I must choose to embrace the joy that my heavenly father was trying to impart to me. That I must let in the love and the healing. I must make the beauty and find the beauty out of the ugly. When I was in the pit one of my wonderful friends said they were going to fast for me. I thought why? I wouldn’t do that for you? (At least I wouldn’t have then) I told that person not to do it? Why would I deny someone an opportunity to help me? This one time at a women’s event for my church a lady spoke a word over me about a story in the Bible (I don’t remember names, sorry :) ) about men coming around someone and holding their arms up (again sorry I’m biblical incorrect - the symbolism is all that is needed right now, don’t hate) because they weren’t strong enough to hold them up themselves. Same thing. My friend was trying to help me hold my arms up by sacrificing for me to have breakthrough out of the crap pit I was in and I didn’t even want it. WOW - right? I mean how could you do that? That what is great about community. Community = people who care, and care enough to fight battles for you that you aren’t strong enough to fight yourself. I need to learn this, embrace this and live this. But I’m not right now. But I will because if I don’t - well that’s just stupid. What else is stupid is spending time with people you know aren’t live giving. You know you shouldn’t hang out with them, because they distract you from wonderful things like community. Their priorities aren’t the same as yours and well they’re bad spellers (kidding on that one, maybe it really does bug me). Now I’m not saying that every person I hang out with has the same priorities as me, all I’m saying is you know you should probably generally want the same things in life or something or at least be interested in the person’s heart or what they do. But due to things mentioned at the beginning of this post you hang out and talk to them anyway and then later feel completely stupid about it because its a waste of your time - and now they are avoiding you and for some reason you care. And the only reason you care is because you care what people think about you more then what God thinks about the decision to even be around that person. Wow I just admitted that. Yah, I mean yes, I should stop that. But that is a different issue with a different post. But this post is entitled life is hard sometimes and that is one part of my life that is hard right now because I for some reason can’t seem to let it go. But I need to. Maybe tomorrow. What can I say, I am work in progress.