*disclaimer: It’s long. There are probably many grammar and spelling mistakes, random musings and run on sentences. I warned you, I didn’t edit this and I like the free form.

So I’ve been awake since 7 because my poodle is acting as needy as a one week old infant. But its okay because she is cute and cuddly and makes me feel wanted to I deal. [ yes I just admitted I like to feel wanted - um who doesn’t? } But I digress. I had every intention of getting up in the morning and going to do pilates and cardio, but alas, my laziness/distractions won out. { I love how my computer wants to correct pilates to pirates. It also wants to make my name Shiny Filter } Again with the digressing. BUT, yes LIFE sometimes its hard. Sometimes its life that gives us situations that look hard and maybe they are hard. BUT is it really supposed to be hard, or is it the lack of trust in God that makes it hard? This is what I have been thinking about this morning. When we meet him in that special place, He meets us and work in us and heals us. It’s so refreshing and touching. Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything. He already knows whats going on, DUH. And Sometimes, like my life as of late, I didn’t even know where to start. Because life lately hasn’t been so fun. Stuff has happened I didn’t ever think I would deal with in my life. I’ve been dealing with a lot. I’ve had to make a lot of tough decisions. I didn’t like having to make those decisions. It was tough and hard and I over think everything. But mostly because I don’t go to Him with these decisions and pray and fast and ask. And it is that easy, you just have to ASK. He will find a way to give you an answer. But you know what? I got a lesson on how to let your community of people who love you embrace you and help you. And they helped me get to the point of coming out of the miry pit of self-pity and its too hard and I don’t want to try and to just do it. And I did. On the way to work and simply just turned on my iPod and actually let worship music play, instead of avoiding it [ yes I did just admit that - hey its where I was at the time ]. And of course the right music came on that completely in a way I didn’t even know I needed to hear met me so beautifully. It was like God wanted to let me know that for the first time I understood being called by name. All the things that are generalized in the Bible that is wants for everyone, I finally felt Him call them out to me individually. Stamped with my name. It was powerful. The thing is He already knew all of this. NOTHING is a surprise to Him. He loves us, He love me and He knew what He knew when He gave me everything He gave me. Most days I don’t feel like I deserve it. But it was in that moment that I was remembered that I must choose to be happy, that I must choose to embrace the joy that my heavenly father was trying to impart to me. That I must let in the love and the healing. I must make the beauty and find the beauty out of the ugly. When I was in the pit one of my wonderful friends said they were going to fast for me. I thought why? I wouldn’t do that for you? (At least I wouldn’t have then) I told that person not to do it? Why would I deny someone an opportunity to help me? This one time at a women’s event for my church a lady spoke a word over me about a story in the Bible (I don’t remember names, sorry :) ) about men coming around someone and holding their arms up (again sorry I’m biblical incorrect - the symbolism is all that is needed right now, don’t hate) because they weren’t strong enough to hold them up themselves. Same thing. My friend was trying to help me hold my arms up by sacrificing for me to have breakthrough out of the crap pit I was in and I didn’t even want it. WOW - right? I mean how could you do that? That what is great about community. Community = people who care, and care enough to fight battles for you that you aren’t strong enough to fight yourself. I need to learn this, embrace this and live this. But I’m not right now. But I will because if I don’t - well that’s just stupid. What else is stupid is spending time with people you know aren’t live giving. You know you shouldn’t hang out with them, because they distract you from wonderful things like community. Their priorities aren’t the same as yours and well they’re bad spellers (kidding on that one, maybe it really does bug me). Now I’m not saying that every person I hang out with has the same priorities as me, all I’m saying is you know you should probably generally want the same things in life or something or at least be interested in the person’s heart or what they do. But due to things mentioned at the beginning of this post you hang out and talk to them anyway and then later feel completely stupid about it because its a waste of your time - and now they are avoiding you and for some reason you care. And the only reason you care is because you care what people think about you more then what God thinks about the decision to even be around that person. Wow I just admitted that. Yah, I mean yes, I should stop that. But that is a different issue with a different post. But this post is entitled life is hard sometimes and that is one part of my life that is hard right now because I for some reason can’t seem to let it go. But I need to. Maybe tomorrow. What can I say, I am work in progress.